I'm not afraid of aging. I've been looking forward to my retirement years since I was in my thirties juggling four children and working two, part-time jobs. While others bemoan the toll that aging takes on their bodies and their lifestyle, I'm pouring over travel sites and counting down the days until I can pull out of the driveway in a brand spanking new RV.
Rather than focusing on the negative aspects of aging, consider the benefits of the midlife years:
1. Selective Hearing: This is a totally acceptable symptom of aging. You remain blissfully ignorant of your spouse's complaints over a dry meatloaf and the rap music blasting from your teenager's room. The only thing you can hear clearly is the ice cream truck.
2. Weight Gain: You're okay with a new wardrobe of elastic waistband clothing, even if it comes from the maternity department…. and you know how to rock an animal print muumuu.
3. Free Time: You no longer have young children to shuttle from school to football to band practice. This allows you free time to explore using the Bedazzler on all your furniture now that you've discovered a passion for rhinestone studded sofa covers.
4. Selective Memory: You might struggle to remember certain things, but luckily you've forgotten the time you twerked at your cousin's wedding and blew out your knee.
5. Bone Health: Your bones might be a little more brittle, but that's okay…. as long as you're not planning on scaling Mount Everest on a Vespa. Just remember to take your calcium supplements.
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6. Fatigue: Reverting to your kindergarten days by carrying a napping mat to work is completely acceptable at your age. No one will question your need for a midday siesta.
7. Decreased Vision: Everything is a little blurrier, which is a blessing since your reflection in the mirror resembles a Photoshopped selfie with nary a wrinkle in sight.
8. Flatulence: The fiber supplements you've been taking finally kick in. If a little gas escapes in a public place, nobody thinks you're rude….especially if you're pushing a walker with tennis balls attached to the bottom.
9. Car Upgrade: Goodbye, mommy minivan. Hello, Lexus coupe.
10. Better Sex: Sex is stress free. You no longer have to worry about birth control or unexpected pregnancies, especially if you're a menopausal female or a man who has had a vasectomy. There's nothing more fun than sharing seats on the neuter mobile.
The best part of being a midlifer is that retirement is just around the corner. Gas up the RV, slip into your animal print muumuu and enjoy the ride!
Marcia Kester Doyle is the author of the humorous blog, Menopausal Mother, where she muses on the good, the bad and the ugly side of menopausal mayhem. She is a contributing writer for Huffington Post, What The Flicka and HumorOutcasts. Her work has also appeared in five humor anthologies and on Scary Mommy, In The Powder Room, BlogHer, Lost In Suburbia, The ErmaBombeck Writers Workshop, Midlife Boulevard, Mamapedia, and BA50 among others. Marcia's humorous book, "Who Stole My Spandex? Midlife Musings From A Middle-Aged MILF" will be released in Nov./Dec. 2014. She is a BlogHer Voice Of The Year 2014 recipient and her blog Menopausal Mother won VoiceBoks Top Hilarious Parent Blogger 2014. She was also voted top 25 in the Circle Of MomsContest 2013. You can find Marcia's blog at: Menopausal Mother.