This is a photo of my first husband who was murdered on 12/10/1978.  When I think of him  now this is usually how I  'see' him or the look on his face when he was interacting with our  boys.  This was my first  'major' loss to death ~~my Mother died in 1985 and Dad in 1995.  I won't repeat the whole story---some of you who've known me on other sites know (I am always open to questions tho) most of it.  We had a turbulent relationship, loved each other---but could not live together well---our 'issues' fed into each other's and while I was growing/healing---he wasn't.  But after his death, because of his great love for the boys...his spirit visited. We ended up having a series of discussions over the next year and resolved many things I wish we could have in life. (Sigh)

In the last decade online (mostly at 'boomer' sites but also in one group on FB) I've noticed that many people first start really learning about, exploring the whole matter of 'spirits'  after they suffer such a loss even if a tenet of the faith they subscribe to is that souls are eternal.    One of the ways skeptics are dismissive  of belief in the afterlife is to talk about it being 'comforting', 'wish fulfillment' (They ignore the many cases where the deceased passed on some info the person  they 'visited' hadn't known before---but is later confirmed).   What those skeptics do not realize is that it is not always a pleasant experience. That man in the photo? He was furious there was an afterlife---at first.  They also don't realize that  'how things work' is not exactly as books and movies portray and messages are not always perceived clearly.  That's what I want to discuss here, give some of my ideas about why  Annie Kagan had such extensive contact with her brother 'Billy Fingers' or I had the post mortem year I did with Dean, while other people feel like they've been totally abandoned. (Or some deceased loved ones of any person, like me, might communicate extensively while others  (my Mom) will just make a crystal mobile tinkle (She loved windchimes).


1) time/space/reality very different for spirits/souls...a deceased may not realize that months or years pass before they think of contacting a beloved left behind.  

2) They may wish to contact from the moment they transition,  but it may take some of our 'time' for them to figure how.  We all have different kinds and levels of broadcasting and receiving psychic abilities , I don't think that automatically changes upon death.  The good news is we can learn to be better receivers and they can learn to  be  better broadcasters.

3) They may be trying really hard and while the receiver 'notices' incidents they don't make the connection that it  is their dearly departed trying to say 'hi', because it's subtle things.   Many fictional works condition people to expect grand gestures...full body appearances.  More often it's subtle, at least at first, and if the living are receptive and not scared by the little signs...it gets more overt.  (This is also part of why they may come in dreams---easier for the living sometimes.)  One movie that got that part right 'Dragonfly' with Kevin Costner. 

To make things worse, if you're having trouble coping with your grief and seek a counselor...you may worry they'll think you're 'crazy with grief' if you talk about 'visits' from/with your deceased loved ones.  Yet aren't we supposed to be open with the doc?  My advice---seek out a counselor who is open to the concept. (Don't  be surprised if this means a clergy person who is also a counselor.)  While I don't usually support 'dishonesty' you could allow your therapist to think 'visits' occurred in dreams. (Makes it more palatable to them.)  You can also find a support group for grieving people (there are special ones for spouse, parents in some places.) and seek support for experiences in groups like this one.   Don 't hesitate to ask questions, share your story.      Souls are eternal...those we have a deep bond with we can never really lose, we just have periods of 'silence'.

Hoping some of you will share your experiences, especially if like me, they've been of a different 'quality' with different dearly departed.