Last night, I was routing around HBO looking for something to watch for an hour or two instead of doing anything constructive, and I hit upon a fluffy little movie called Ruby Sparks. It's a romantic comedy about a young writer who through his writing creates his dream girl and then <POOF> magically she comes to life.
He's shocked and amazed, they come together, they love, they fight, they fight, they love, they come apart, they come back together, they love, they fight, and many other adorable things happen and that's just in the first half hour. But as I was in the process of being cuted-to-death, I began to wonder "why can't this be true for me as well?"
Why couldn't a 63 year old Jewish guy create his dream girl and<POOF> have her spring to life just like she does for the young guy in the movie? I'm a writer too, provided it's possible to be a writer when the most ardent devourer of your writing is the malware attacking your computer. After all, "there are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy," even though your name is probably not Horatio unless both your parents hated you.
I switched off the TV and headed upstairs to the PC.
"Her name," I began, "is Gina Goldstein."
I don't really care all that much about her religion, I was thinking, but if I'm to have my total druthers, let's make her Jewish. Okay, now on to the very troublesome issue of age.
"She is 44 years old .... no .... she is a well-preserved 56 years old .... no .... astonishingly young-looking for her age, she is 52 .... no ...."
I was trying, of course, to make this part realistic. I wanted someone a bit younger than me but not so young it'd be ridiculous to believe she'd want to date me short of every guy on the planet 60 and under being wiped out by some later day Bubonic Plague!
"Every guy on the planet 6o and under having been wiped out by some later day Bubonic Plague, she is...."
Nah, can't write that! What if it did come true? I could never deal with the guilt even if Gina did come walking out of the post-apocalyptic haze and into my life!
"She is 45 years old and has always had a thing for older men, finding young men superficial and callow."
"Gina has beautiful eyes of the deepest blue, so blue you could practically swim in them ..."
Wait a minute! What if the powers-that-be take that literally? What if she winds up with chlorine in her eyes and a lifeguard on duty? But I like the line. Whoever it is that creates women out of thin air is just going to have to be imaginative enough to process metaphors!
"Her mouth is full and upturned, with a smile that makes you feel like the sun just came out. She is as loving as Mother Teresa, as funny as Jon Stewart, and as sweet as Tupelo Honey. And has breasts the size of Sofia Vergara’s, can’t forget that.”
Perry, you are pure genius!
Just then the door bell rang. I leaped up from the PC, my heart pounding like the Ringo Starr drum solo on Abbey Road, and tore for the front door!
"I'm coming, Gina!" I called out. "Darling, I'll be right there!"
Fully out of breath, I reached the door and flung it open!
"Who the heck are you?"
"I'm Al Rothman, head of the synagogue men's club."
"You'll have to leave, Mr. Rothman. You see, I'm expecting ..."
"You're expecting me! You only get to have one of your characters come to life, and you created me first. Five or six posts back in your Passover blog post, remember?"
"You're my one character?!"
"That's it. Say, got any blintzes here? I'd love me some cream cheese!
Well, at least I got the Jewish part right.
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Perry Block is a writer, humorist, and human resources professional who lives in Havertown PA, just outside of Philadelphia.
In his humor blog , Perry Block: Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute (www.perryblock.com), Perry chronicles the world through the eyes of one Baby Boomer warily poised on the cusp of an age he thought was exclusively reserved for people's parents. It also features parody, satire, and anything else you want.
You can also find Perry on Twitter at @PerryBlock, Facebook, Google+, and whatever other internet sites he’s able to find an “Idiot’s Guide to.”