I'm not even sure I have depression, I think this may just be 'me'.
I have always been pretty useless socially, but have had a normal upbringing, no horrible experiences, have gone through education fine and even got jobs but I've never enjoyed life, never really cared and normally feel like I'm not really worth anything and, inevitably enventually, will become a burden.
I'm not going to be dramatic and say I'm going to end it, it sounds so pathetic (no offence intended to anyone) but I have thoughts of 'going' or even dreams that I could die 'blamelessly' thorugh accident or illness. Selfish I know.
I have a cycle. Get job, put on confident easy going persona, get physically tired from doing that, lose energy to maintain job, focus on negative, leave job in some form (fired/quit). Friends are much the same, play easy going fun, can't keep it up, lose or push them away. Relationships, get attracted to ones who need help, help them in anyway I can, get to a point where I feel I am no more use so should go as they'd be ultimately better off.
So, currently I've quit my job as a teacher, couldn't take it - always something to improve and with my way of thinking that just sounds like constantly someone telling you you're useless (and it backing up your own thoughts anyway) but even though I liked aspects of my job I don't think I had a passion like I see in others. I felt I'd let everyone down so disappeared, my partner/ parents got me through immediate days after my sudden departure from work and saw Doc who was nice enough - put me on medication which seemed to do very little - even after a few months. In fact it only had negative side effects so about three weeks ago I stopped taking them completely. I also started seeing a CBT person about three/four session ago but this feels like it's doing nothing at all either, we talk, I'm honest as I can be but there is some element of being 'public' and putting on that face/ jokey responses.
I dip between a wish to not be around that is forever there and seems to be backed up with wholly logical reasons that people genuinely struggle to refute to absolutely crashing panic attacks/ given up when my 'theories' are proved.
I know this sounds odd, but I don't even have the will to get 'better', largely because I don't think I can. I am just 'me'. I am negative, boring and even if it is all just selffullfillng profecies - it's still me who has done that. I'm not blaming life, or others or anything else.
A lot of the posts I read on here seem to have good reason; PTS, loss, finances etc - does anyone have no 'good' reason?
I just feel I'm never going to be happy, I am soon to be much a burden on those around me (my gf) and that, in the long run, it'd be better for all if I just went. I know my family and gf love me - but time heals, life would get better and people move on. In the long run I'm sure it wouldn't effect my family and 100% sure my gf would be better off.
Not sure if there is an answer for this, just writing. I'm not angry, I'm not hurt, I'm not even sad as such, I'm just tired...
I didn't find the right solution from the internet.
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