I found myself needing automobile insurance recently and wanted to pick the best company to purchase it from. First I thought of Flo from Progressive, but after suffering third degree makeup burns obtaining a quote, I decided to look further.
The television commercial of one major insurance company intrigued me. If you have a claim of any kind whatsoever, all you need do is sing the company's commercial jingle and an agent materializes by your side. Despite the fact that I'm tone deaf, that's the kind of service I can wrap my somewhat accident-prone teeth around!
So, I went out and purchased me some State Farm Automobile Insurance. Darned if within the next week someone didn't go right through a red light and into my car, bashing in the whole right side and leaving me with bumps, bruises, and maybe a broken arm. "Thankfully, I don't need to worry about a thing!" I thought confidently. All I have to do is lift my voice in song.
"Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there," I sang out.
Instantly a man in a business suit appeared.
"Wonderful!" I exclaimed. "You must be my State Farm Agent!"
"Agent?" he replied. "No, I'm plainclothes police officer Steve Tompkins, and your reckless driving almost killed this poor woman! It will take hours to write up all the citations and violations you've committed!"
"But what about my arm?"
"I'd be a lot more worried about my ass if I were you, slime ball!"
Hauled down to police headquarters, I knew I needed help.
"Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there!" I sang again.
A woman in a smartly tailored suit was standing next to me like magic.
"At last," I sighed. "My State Farm Agent!"
"Agent? No, I'm plaintiff's attorney Jane Slytherin, and I'm suing you on behalf of my client Agnes Somerville for $5 million dollars! Here's the paperwork; see you in court, slime ball!"
Now I kept singing desperately!
"Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there!!"
"You my agent?"
"No, I'm Judge Howard Appelbaum of Superior Court. I find for the plaintiff and against you in the amount of $10,000,000! Pay up, slime ball!"
"Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there!!!"
"My... my ... Agent?"
"No, Sheriff John Lawful. We're repossessing your home, all personal property, your dental bridgework, and just about everything you've ever touched by hand! Well, almost everything."
"Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there ...!"
"No, horse doctor Miles Gallop."
"Could you look at my withered arm please?"
"Yep, looks broken. See ya."
"Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there ...." I sang, with the last ounce of my strength.
"Agent ... agent ... you two guys my agent?"
"No, we've come from the state to take you away. Now go easy, old fella..."
"Why does he keep singing that stupid song?" I heard one say to another.
"Poor guy, he's way off key," said the other. "Incredible thing, if you sing the jingle in the key of G Sharp, a State Farm Agent appears IMMEDIATELY!"
Perry Block is a writer, humorist, and human resources professional who lives in Havertown PA, just outside of Philadelphia.
In his humor blog , Perry Block: Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute (www.perryblock.com), Perry chronicles the world through the eyes of one Baby Boomer warily poised on the cusp of an age he thought was exclusively reserved for people's parents. It also features parody, satire, and anything else you want.
You can also find Perry on Twitter at @PerryBlock, Facebook, Google+, and whatever other internet sites he’s able to find an “Idiot’s Guide to.”